ONE* - Group Leaders Pages - Respecting Unconditionally

Tuesday

Mar092010

Respecting Unconditionally

"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." (Ephesians 5:22-24)

A response that's frequently given to this verse is "Me submit? Do you mean to tell me that women should be subservient to men—that men are better than women?" This verse is often misunderstood and taken out of context. The biblical meaning of submission is respect. Respect is shown in both our actions and our attitudes. Whether they deserve it or not, the Bible exhorts us to respect our husbands. In women's life groups, the issue of respecting husbands is a recurring issue. In this resource, we're going to take a look at the dilemma women face in respecting their husbands, how this dilemma affects group dynamics, and how to apply the biblical principle of respect in relating to husbands.

A dilemma you can respect

Most of us are products of the Women's Liberation Movement. We've been trained to be competitive, to work hard, to think and provide for ourselves, and to never be dependent on a man. This has surfaced as a response to the days when men were the only breadwinners and women didn't dare question a man's decisions or actions. Women have gone from being doormats to having the ability to own and run the houses that hold the doormats. In an age when women are self-sufficient, the command to respect our husbands is still as relevant and crucial as ever before. Women are faced with a dilemma: how can they operate as independent, capable individuals, yet respect and uphold their husbands' God-given authority, especially in cases where the husbands' behavior doesn't warrant or deserve their respect?

Chances are you have women in your group whose husbands are addicted to pornography, alcohol, drugs, or even such seemingly harmless things as video games, sports, or television. You may have members whose husbands rarely help with chores, parenting, cooking, etc. If they were to base respecting their husbands on their performance, respect would be nonexistent in their households. Andy Stanley frequently says that you can't grow vertically in your relationship with the Lord if you're not growing horizontally in your relationships with the people around you. Just as love is a choice, so is respect. We're called to respect our husbands, even when we don't feel like it. You may be saying, "Yeah, I get it. But how do I help my group members understand?" Let's take a look at how this issue affects group dynamics and how you can help group members buy into the biblical mandate to respect their husbands.

Group dynamics

The topic of women respecting their husbands is an emotionally-charged issue. For this reason, it can "hijack" your group discussions and "husband-bashing" can become a favorite pastime for group members. Disrespect is often rooted in unmet expectations and unresolved conflict that festers and grows over time. By helping group members identify what expectations they have and reminding them that their husbands weren't created to meet all their needs, you can help them pinpoint areas where they have incorrect thinking. It is also helpful to choose a curriculum on this topic for the group to study together, so that all group members can grow in this area (a list of suggested resources is given at the end of this article). Another approach is to draw the group back to the Three Vital Relationships: Intimacy with God, Community with Believers, and Influence with Unbelievers. By focusing on other relationships, their issues with their husbands will no longer be in the forefront.

After trying these things, you may still have group members who choose to continue to monopolize group time by venting their frustrations. At this point, it's a good idea to lead them to self-discovery by meeting with them individually to discuss what they're going through and what's driving their lack of respect (e.g., unmet expectations, underlying wounds), and then help them come up with solutions. You can then encourage them to focus group time on mutual encouragement and spiritual growth. Many times people just want to be heard, so it's important to empathize and affirm them without condoning or reinforcing their feelings. If you use one-on-one time with them to diffuse their frustrations, then group discussions can be used for more encouraging topics. In some cases, it may be necessary to encourage them to meet with a professional counselor, especially if you feel that their issues are beyond your expertise.

Respect him anyway

It's counterintuitive to respect our husbands when they don't "deserve" it, but it's imperative that we do so anyway. Some practical ways of showing respect include the following:

Don't question every decision he makes.
Don't tell him how to drive.
Make a list of things he does that you appreciate and communicate those things to him.
"Compliment" him when you notice him doing something right, even if it's something he should be doing anyway.
Don't "major on the minors." Instead, give the majors to the Lord. If there's something that really bothers you, surrender that to the Lord as well.
Choose to show respect, even when you don't feel like it.
Choose to show respect, even when he doesn't deserve it (unconditional respect).
Focus on your own personal growth instead of your husband's growth.

It has been said that you can love your husband and let God change him, or you can try to change your husband and let God love him. By helping your group members focus on loving and respecting their husbands while trusting God to change them, you can help them to step onto the path of personal spiritual growth. This is a "win" for all, as your group gets the benefit of seeing the Holy Spirit transform their lives, as well as the lives of their husbands.

Recommended Resources